Asking for Help
How many times have I found myself in this situation?
Sitting on the floor surrounded by Ikea furniture parts, frustrated and angry, refusing any help that is thrown my way. Huffing and puffing that I am going to do this myself damnit! This unfortunate story has played out in my life more times than I care to count (or share).
Recently, I found myself once again sprawled out on our office floor looking at an almost finished piece of furniture. However, there seemed to be too many screws left over, and apparently, I had put it together backward and I wouldn't be able to finish it unless I took the whole thing apart! As I let out an animal-like roar, my partner came in, ready to support and help me, only to be met with my overly confident (and rude) reply "I can do it myself! I don't need any help!". Right, right.
Why was it so hard for me to admit defeat, to take the hand that was being offered to me? Was I afraid of looking foolish? Or was I being stubborn? Or embarrassed? Or simply used to having to figure things out on my own? Maybe all of the above?
I share this not as a "how (not) to guide" but rather as an example of how we can stand in our own way sometimes in experiencing connection and support. For me, at that moment, it felt very important to prove my worthiness, my intelligence in being able to follow (not so simple, I might add) picture instructions from Ikea. That it might prove my value and that I was a contributor to this world! Obviously, I was not thinking this at the moment, but upon reflection, I can see why it felt so big and important, even though it was just silly furniture.
We can always be growing and learning AND we are not supposed to be good at everything! This is not to say that if you want to master something, you shouldn't keep pushing and trying. If that feels important to your life and purpose, go for it! For me, I have finally learned that I do not need to be perfect at putting together furniture and that actually, it turns out, it’s way more enjoyable when my partner helps. Who knew?
QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER
Where do you notice it's hard to ask for help? Is it around tasks, specific areas, or emotional support?
Think about the last time you refused help or struggled to ask for it. What was that experience like?
Where do you feel empowered in figuring out things for yourself? Where do you feel defeated?
What beliefs do you hold about yourself around asking for or needing help?
For some, it might never have been an option to ask for help, or even have felt safe relying on others. Our early experiences have such a profound impact on our development and the way we end up navigating the world as adults. What was your experience like growing up asking for help? Was it welcomed or met with tension?
TRY THIS
So much of this work starts with simply noticing. Next time, you find yourself struggling with something, make space for that. It can often be hard in the moment to slow down, so this might take some reflection after the fact. What is motivating you to refuse help or stopping you from reaching out? Is it pride, fear, resentment, or something completely different? What does it mean for you to be able to not ask for help? Notice how it feels? Do you feel powerful, accomplished, lonely? The point of this is to simply notice without judgment. What would it feel like to ask for help? Scary, vulnerable, foreign? Take time to journal or talk this out with someone you trust. It might be surprising to discover what happens when we let go, even just a little.
